What do you want?

Part One

Today in therapy, a question was posed to me. “What do you want?” To be fair, we were specifically talking about visions I have for a financial future, but the more I think about it, this is a general question that I am struggling with currently.

The response in my head: “Me? Wait, I can want something? And wait, someone is specifically asking ME what I want?” It has been a long time since I have had someone ask me what I want. No fault of anyone’s really; the circumstances just did not allow for that. (I will elaborate on that in Part Two). So, now, when I am asked what I want for the first time in years, I have nothing to say. Nada. Just numb and quiet. Like a little girl waiting for her parents to answer for her.

I did not even know how to go about answering this question. Of course, the conversation continued by discussing how it is important to know what I want, what I desire and what needs I have, and that it is OKAY to have wants, desires and needs. That it is important to have a projectory of my future and a vision for my life. A vision for my partner, for my children, and for my family, so that I can work in conjunction with my husband. That having a vision for certain things will make me a better partner, rather than simply just participating in the vision or future that was created for me. I sat there feeling annoyed that I was potentially being viewed as someone who does not have a vision or a desired future. It was upsetting to think I may be viewed as someone who was JUST BEING. I know this was not the implication, though it made me dig deeper as to why I was being triggered emotionally.

The thoughts continued long after therapy was over. I started thinking about what I wanted and I had no idea. It was really daunting and disheartening for me to not know or be able to verbalize what I want for my future. I mean, I haven’t always been like this. I've had goals my whole life. Lots of them. I’ve had visions, dreams, and ideas. I’ve had wants. But sitting here today, when someone asked me what I envisioned for my life, I was confused. I was speechless. I spent the night trying to remember the ME before stepping into a lifelong partnership. The ME before children. I tried to remember what I wanted from that partnership; what I wanted for my future.

Like most people, I learned from my own experiences what I envisioned for my life; what I wanted out of relationships with friends, family, and most specifically out of a partner. We all develop an idea of what we want for our own family, career, and our children. I was fortunate enough to have a realm of support throughout my childhood; financial, emotional, educational, physical, etc...During most of my childhood and early adulthood, I was able to get what I want, relatively speaking - in the sense that I had the ability to work toward a goal that I could accomplish. I set goals and I accomplished them, despite the curveballs. I wanted to play and excel at multiple sports, travel around the country to participate in events, and I did. I desired to be educationally challenged and supported when I struggled, and I was. I envisioned having the freedom to choose between right and wrong, become an independent woman, while learning my own consequences, and I succeeded. Despite challenges and obstacles, surrounded by supporters and by haters (yes, I had those too!), I accomplished the dreams I had; athletically, professionally and personally. I was recruited and played soccer at a Division 1 Program, winning a national championship. I found a passion for psychology and working with disadvantaged and at-risk children, leading me to find a profession in Forensic Psychology. I became Dr. Poole after TEN years of consistent, relentless schooling. I moved across the country by myself to a state where I had no family or support just to "see" how I could survive on my own and learn who I was outside of my comfort zone of California; to grow personally and professionally. I was lucky enough to have the ability and opportunity to choose a path I wanted. And while there were definitely bumps in the road, I somehow found my way to the goal; I found my way to the vision.

Thinking back to almost five years ago, I was living the life I had always wanted, imagined and worked my ass off for. I was one of the most sought out Forensic Psychologists in the area, at my peak of my athletic ability after finding my love for Crossfit and about to marry my best friend. This was it. This is what I had imagined. When I wanted something, I worked for it, and I got it. Simple as that, right?

And then it came to starting a family. I think back to what I wanted for my family; my future. Those of us who want families, we all have a fairy tale in mind. I wanted at least two children; maybe three. To be honest, the thought of wanting or hoping for "healthy" children was not on the list. I mean, I was healthy, so my children will be healthy, right? I wanted to be a working mother, who set her own schedule, so I could spend as much time with my children as I could. Go to games, participate in school activities, play hooky, etc. I wanted to have a career I was proud of and be a professional that others pursued. I wanted my children to be close in age so they could grow up together, learn together, play together and have each other to lean on. I wanted my children to grow up to be best friends. I envisioned giving my children every opportunity necessary to reach their goals, whatever that may be. I never thought about physical limitations or worried about health complications. I wanted my children to be able to do whatever they wanted – dreams and visions that were endless – with no constraints. I wanted a husband and father who was present with his family. To watch and see how much love he had for his children, and how much they admired and looked up to him. I wanted to be able to eat dinner together at the table and play soccer or baseball in the cul-de-sac. I envisioned creating our own holiday traditions, going on vacation to tropical islands, and experiencing life together as a family. I imagined sleeping and cuddling next to my best friend every night, while we watched the monitor and talked about how lucky we are to have a healthy, beautiful family. This is what I wanted for my family.

It felt good being able to reminisce about what I envisioned for myself professionally, while also having dreams for my partner and my family. I was happy to know that at some point, I did have goals, dreams and wants. I knew they were there. I just had to remember and truly get back to the ME I worked so hard to be.

And then after all of that thinking and remembering, a thought came to me. It is a thought that has been there for several years. Do you really get what you want? I used to believe that you could have whatever you wanted, that the possibilities are endless, as long as you asked for it or worked for it. That made me understand just how naïve I was…

To be continued….