Big Brother

Big brother. 

He'll always be the best big brother I know. A big brother who really never got to see his little brother, but still loved him to the moon and back. A big brother who shared his mommy endlessly, more than most siblings, even to the point of not seeing her for days. The big brother who always made sure his little brother knew how much he loved him by hugging, kissing, laying next to him, and laughing with him, even though their minutes together were numbered. The big brother who would run in the door from school and ask where his little brother was, and would be excited to wake up in the morning only so he could kiss his little brother goodbye. And, now, the big brother that no longer has a little brother; the big brother that is still trying to understand what all that means.

Many times I have thought about whether it is "better" that this situation happened now at a young age, or whether it would be easier if Choice was older. Usually, I fall on the side of being grateful that Choice maybe does not fully understand the reality of the situation. And then, day after day, I realize that he does understand; he just cannot express it like we adults do. And during these times, I wish he was older and was able to tell me what he is feeling. But, since he cannot, he shows it in his behavior and play- favorable and some not so favorable. Let's start with the favorable.

He's a bit obsessed with every baby he sees. At school, music, gymnastics, the store; literally everywhere. "Look mommy, it's a baby." "Baby, mommy. Right there." He ALWAYS wants to hug, kiss, or gently touch the baby's head, or cheeks, and of course, he does not quite understand fully what it means to ask for permission to touch other people. He just does. He pays all of his attention to the baby; sharing toys, helping the baby move or tickling the baby. That's his favorite. Tickling. He thinks it is hilarious; because his little brother always liked being tickled, so of course, every baby will like that, right? He may even push the "real" sibling aside as a way of protecting the baby, because to him, that is his baby; his little brother; his best friend. He is probably obsessed because he has not been able to do any of these things for a few months since his little brother passed away, and because he does not fully understand that he will never be able to kiss, hug or tickle his own little brother again. Yes, to you, the other mother, this might be weird and you might even be protective of your baby, looking at me with big, what the heck eyes. I get it. It's weird, and he does not ask permission, so some parents freak out about that. Germs, too. Germs and weirdness. But it's also love. And sometimes; well, let's face it, most of the time, I get caught up in the love and forget it's weird. 

Not only does he love babies, but he loves people. Old, young, black, white, blue, etc. You name it; he loves it. He may hug you or even overly attach to you. Stranger danger - what's that? Maybe he does this because he has experienced that his days with people are numbered. He has had many people come and go in his life already. Nurses, doctors, friends...all the people who used to visit and take care of his little brother religiously. He watched and took note. Don't forget about all the relatives and family friends who visited for a few weeks and spent many days celebrating his little brother. He loved all of the attention and visitors, because he genuinely loves people. But, now, everyone is gone, and no one visits his little brother anymore, and he does not fully understand what that means. All he knows is that the people are gone. So, sometimes, he clings. A lot. And fears you will be gone too, even though he just met you. He will probably take advantage of the times he sees you because history tells him time is limited. And that is also how he learned to survive when mommy was gone at the hospital with his little brother. He would find a stable attachment; someone who he knew would always be there; and cling. Until they were not there anymore. But he has seemed to expect that recently, and that is where the not so favorable comes in.

Being the mother of a son who lost his life is hard; without a doubt. There are no words. But, being a mother of a son who lost his baby brother, I am realizing that is hard too. (And then add being a mother of a special needs child who lost his special needs baby brother.) He knows, and he gets it; kind of. His behaviors are different, and the way he acts around mommy is different. During the daytime, he deliberately excludes mommy, because mommy was not there most of the days. She was taking care of little brother. So, big brother learned to adapt and play with others even better than he did before. He learned that he can be okay without mommy during the day because there are always other people there to be with him; teachers, friends, other parents. He adores his friends' parents at school, and can name every single one of them, because they brought stability to his somewhat chaotic life. He learned that he is okay without mommy during the day. And then night comes. At night, it is a different story. It is all about mommy. He screams out for mommy every night and will not let mommy leave until he is fully asleep. He literally feels the air as mommy moves away from him in bed and he shoots up begging her not to leave. He keeps one hand or foot on mommy at all times so he can tell if she tries to get out of bed. And he won't let daddy put him to sleep. Daddy cuddle, yeah right! And once mommy leaves the bed, he cries out "mommy, mommy, mommy" over and over. Heartbreaking.

And then I remember he is only two years old. Remember I mentioned that I have thought about whether it is better that this situation happened now at a young age, or whether it would be easier if Choice was older. During this time, I wish he was older, so he could tell me why he is calling out for me. Is he scared that I will leave him, like I used to in the middle of the night, to go be with his little brother in the hospital? Literally, if I was home, I used to sneak out of bed in the middle of the night to go to the hospital. Talk about splitting time between to two children - sleep and school were the only "safe" times to leave. Is he having nightmares about someone leaving him? Is he grieving the loss of his little brother? Is he confused where everyone went? Is this the product of his new medication, or a change in medication brands? (can't forget to rule that out!) Or is he just being two years old and having a sleep regression, or showing his will and control? As a mother, boundaries, routine and structure are important, but when you do not know exactly why your son is screaming out for you in the middle of the night, you question every decision. If he is grieving and fears that you will leave him, or that he will lose you too, and you belittle this emotion, then he will not see you as safe or protective? But if he is attempting to be in control, i.e. be a toddler, which could likely be the case, and you go in there to comfort him, he will learn to associate screaming and crying at the top of his lungs means mommy will come in. Who knows, right?!...the reality continues.

But what I do know is that big brother has always adjusted and transitioned well, with the help of his mommy and daddy. He is smart, independent, and strong willed. He will guide us just as he has always done, and we will listen. We will do what we need to do in order to understand what he is going through. Simple as that. The only simple thing about this complicated situation.